8 years later and it still rattles my everything! Hard not to replay the movie of the actual event. Reminds me of how much I miss my boy! Scotty Ford the greatest influence on my life. It’s a very difficult thing. Bittersweet is an understatement! Catastrophic, Crippling, life-changing. That horrific event I witnessed in and of itself was the worst experience of my life! The majority of the following 2 1/2 years was the worst downward spiral, worse than I could have imagined! The darkness, fears, depression. Drugs alcohol, and destructive behaviors. Rehabs, sober living, overdoses, stealing, cheating, lying. All to the degree of almost giving up. Not consciously wanting to end but subconsciously behaving so. Consciously not caring if something happened that did end it all. Then the relentless cries and screams of my potential in my head, to not let it end that way. Not allowing myself to quietly step out like that. Something pushing, pulling and dragging me to a space that ensured My story didn’t end that way. It’s all very difficult, life is difficult.
For me, the “what if’s” have been, and still some days, are the worst. What if I could have saved them? What if I would have done more here or there? Would it have changed the outcome? Did I do enough? The answer to the last question regardless of which dead friend I’m talking about is, No.